adjective: jealous

1. feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.

How often do you admit when you are jealous of someone? Not often I am sure. That is not a cool thing to admit. But we all are, even if it is just for second. If you follow any of the Kardashian’s on social media, then I know you get jealous daily. I mean look at Kourtney…. that woman is almost 40, has had 3 babies, and is a SMOKE SHOW. If you don’t think so…ok. But let’s be real…she is. If you follow any IG influencers or workout people or models – I know there is envy felt on a daily basis. But when you look at people like that daily and automatically compare your life to them…it is hard for envy not to kick in…which sucks. Especially because all you are jealous of is that photo. As much as the Kardashians document their lives on social media…we still only see what they want us to see. We do not know their internal struggles or a lot of other stuff they are going through. The same can be said about people we know that we are envious over.

I hate admitting jealousy…but here we go…last year while I was pregnant, I was incredibly sick. I threw up 2-3 times a day…pretty much every day until after I had the baby. Yes, it didn’t stop right after I had him. It wasn’t as bad, but I was still sick a few times a week. I did not gain as much as most women do during pregnancy, but I was already over weight, so any weight gain was devastating to me. They took my baby at 33 weeks because of preeclampsia and he was in the NICU for 19.5 days. Now all of that was a miracle but that’s another story. Oh, not to mention we didn’t even have our own home yet. We had been living in my mom’s downstairs apartment/basement for over a year. We were renovating a house, but the renovating really hadn’t even begun. My best friend on the other hand, whom I adore – we have been best friends since we were very young. She is stunning, very intelligent, has an amazing job, great pregnancy (to my knowledge), and then when I walked into the hospital room to visit her – I couldn’t tell she had just had a baby. She’s a small person and I know she did not have her pre-baby body back after 24 hours, but in her super cute robe, with her hair and make-up done, I was very impressed. (Now I am not so naive to believe the appearance that was being put on. She just had a baby for goodness sakes, but that’s not what my jealousy was remembering.) As I was going through all of this – that is what I thought about…. jealousy set in, I wanted what she had. A great job, super nice house, nice car, a pregnancy where my baby wasn’t in a box and hooked up to machines 24/7, being able to hold my baby and not waiting until the doctor told me I could. I let appearances take hold of me. Now my hormones were of course all over the place, but those thoughts should have never crossed my mind. God worked everything out the way it was supposed to be. Michael Bruce would’ve been a stillborn if we would’ve gone full term. I was lucky enough to have my mom and my sister live with me and Bruce and help me right after I came home and when we brought Mike home. My C Section recovery was ROUGH. Talk about painful. I was so thankful to be there with them. We had a great support system around us who helped take care of me and Mike. Thankful and blessed are understatements.

Michael Bruce – 3 days old

While I’m admitting…here is another one for you. I went to lunch with a girl from work and she was telling the guy we were with where she lived, which happened to be in these nice apartments in our city. I knew her job position, but I really didn’t know everything her job entailed. But I knew my position and what my job entailed, and I know that even if I was single, there was no way I could afford to live there. Boom, jealous. Boom, assuming she makes more money than me. Boom, all these other little comments that popped in my head at the time. I also don’t know her story. We don’t know each other that well. I know what it was though, it was me, I want to make more money. I was jealous because I work hard, and I barely add enough to our income for us to pay all our bills. Struggling is an easy entry for envy…and it got me.

I don’t even want to give you examples of me being jealous of how other people look. That is my biggest downfall and I have plenty of examples and stories for that one. But I am going to pass. Let’s just say – I probably shouldn’t follow any models, fitness gurus, or Kardashians on social media. Heck, I probably shouldn’t be on social media. It is a breeding ground for comparison and jealousy.

Why does jealousy take over? Even for a short period of time? I don’t know – I am human I guess. It happens to me every day. I do not want to base my life on what other people have. I want to decide what I want and what is best for me and my family and then go for it. I want to work hard and earn what I get. The devil just finds your weaknesses and capitalizes on them when you are least expecting it. I need to remind myself that jealousy is only hurting myself. It destroys relationships. It causes the urge for control. It causes pain. I don’t want those things in my life.

God’s plan for me is not the same for my best friend or the girl from work. They are living their best lives and I should live mine. It is up to me to make the best of my situations and it is up to me to love my life. I only have one life, why not make it the best one that I can? I think that is what God wants for us anyways. If we must live in this fallen world, make the best of it.

Proverbs 14:30 says “A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes bones rot.” (ESV)

          1 Corinthians 13:4 – “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (NIV)

Proverbs 23:17 – “Let not your heart envy sinners but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.” (ESV)